I was a Science stream student. Right after PMR, I continued my studies at a boarding school called SM Sains Muar. And from the name itself you'd know that we learn & take Science subjects for SPM. And therefore, I learnt Biology, Chemistry and Physics. I have always wanted to go to boarding school, since I was thirteen, I believe. But only at the age of sixteen, was I able to achieve my so-called-dream. But surviving in that school, to me, was not easy. I ended up getting stressed quite often. I enjoyed living and experiencing the boarding school life actually, but I had difficulties on catching up with my studies. And bila sebut budak sekolah sains, everyone will have this high expectation in their own mind:
Budak sekolah sains = SPM mesti score
Budak sekolah sains = mesti pandai
Orang akan pandang budak MRSM, budak sekolah asrama penuh (SBP), budak sekolah sains ni macam wow hebat la kononnya. Aku pun pernah rasa macam "oh aku tergolong dalam budak-budak pandai jugak la eh..." Rasa tergolong tu sekejap je sebab aku tetiba sedar diri dan alhamdulillah time tu masih lagi berpijak di bumi yang nyata. Aaand, let's just say I did not do well in my SPM, two years ago. So basically aku tak fulfill la expectation orang yang berpendapat budak sekolah sains mesti dapat straight As dalam SPM. Based on my trial SPM dulu pun, I could actually guess yang my SPM memang takkan gempak. But still, I put effort, prayers and hopes, mana la tau tetiba Tuhan nak bagi 9A+ ke kan. Dan dah ditakdirkan aku tak dapat straight As pun.
I cried and cried and cried for days long. Nangis pun sebenarnya bukan apa, sebab malu. Budak sekolah sains kan? Dapat result tak best pulak tu... Kira macam dah menconteng arang di muka sendiri la huhu. Tapi, hidup mesti diteruskan. So from that moment onwards, I lost confidence to pursue Science-related course after SPM tu. And I told my parents that I no longer want to do Maths or Science. And so, what options do I have left? Sumpah rasa macam dah takde masa depan time tu. These days, course apa je yang tak melibatkan Science & Maths kan? Masa buat 'research' nak apply apa untuk UPU, I came across course Law & TESL. Dua course ni je yang time tu aku rasa boleh selamatkan aku daripada belajar Science & Maths lagi. So masa apply UPU, aku mintak foundation Law kat UIA & UiTM. Tapi at the same time, my dad wanted me to apply for another programme under Institut Pendidikan Guru (IPG). Told my parents over and over again that I have no intention of becoming a teacher, so why bother applying this programme in the first place? My dad kept on saying that ni saja-saja je apply, belum tentu dapat and blabla.
So long story cut short, I was accepted to study foundation in law at Uitm Dengkil. Masa tu dapat matriks jugak, but I was firm with my decision to not involve myself with Science subjects anymore, so aku pun pergilah Dengkil. Initially, I was soooo happy because most of my friends dari sekolah rendah sampai sekolah menengah, semua I dapat jumpa balik. When my relatives & people around me dapat tahu yang time tu I ambil course law, some reacted pleasantly, while some did not. Ada lagi yang cakap kalau jadi lawyer ni sebelah kaki confirm masuk neraka. Time tu baru seminggu dua I dekat Dengkil, start belajar pun belum, dah ada yang cakap bukan-bukan. Memang tersentap bila dengar orang cakap macam tu, like, how can you be small-minded? Lawyer ni bukan terhad kepada bela penjenayah semata-mata. Law itself is so broad. You boleh jadi lawyer dalam bidang housing development ke, shariah lawyer ke, boleh jadi lawyer macam-macam lah. Tak semestinya kena naik turun mahkamah, just like how typical people punya perception. I swear to God masa tu I was so angry. Tapi sebab mulut orang kan, mana boleh nak buat apa.
After about two or three weeks at Dengkil, I received an offer letter from IPG, saying that I was qualified to pursue study in Teaching English as Second Language (TESL). Bila first baca tawaran tu, I was like hell no no no, I am not going!! Tapi lepas tu I did istikharah prayer for a few times and I believe my decision to quit Uitm Dengkil and to stop learning law was solely guided by Allah. Never did it cross my mind yang I will be in this path. That me myself, will choose TESL, not my parents, not my family, but I sendiri yang pilih & buat keputusan. Hati yang keras macam batu, yang beria tak nak, yang kononnya time tu dah 'bahagia' duduk Dengkil, ended up choosing a completely different path in life.
And after I chose to quit law and pursue my study in TESL, ada je lagi mulut orang berbicara... "Oh la, jadi cikgu je?" Bila ada orang tanya I study mana and I sebut IPG, people will be like, apa tu, kat mana tu and blabla. Senang cerita, tak famous la, tak semua orang tahu. Cuba kalau sebut "oh saya amik law, oh saya amik perubatan, oh saya amik engineering", mesti orang akan pandang tinggi. Sama la kes dengan sekolah sains tadi, sama je. Bila sebut cikgu, "oh cikgu je?" Hahahaha JE?!?!?! Part tu la yang paling menyampah sekali dengar. Satu lagi part yang paling menyampahhhh jugak bila orang kata:
"Belajar kat sekolah sains, tapi jadi cikgu je."
"Penat-penat belajar sains, tapi kat universiti tak amik sains pun."
"Budak sekolah sains patutnya fly overseas"
"Cuba kalau dulu dapat straight As, mesti dapat belajar luar negara kan?"
a) Dalam my batch, yes, ramai dapat straight As, tapi tak sampai separuh pun yang dapat fly overseas.
b) Yes I was a Science student at school, so what? At the university, I can't pursue my studies in other than Science-related subjects? Is that how it works, or is there such law that I need to abide when it comes to freedom in choosing what you want to learn?
c) Tuhan dah letak myself to where I am supposed to be, so here I am. Tuhan dah cakap memang I'm not qualified enough untuk dapat straight As, maybe sebab usaha tak cukup, doa tak cukup, who knows? Alhamdulillah I'm able to accept the fact yang aku takde rezeki untuk merasa dapat straight As, aku takde rezeki nak study law, aku takde rezeki nak sambung belajar luar negara. And again, alhamdulillah, rezeki aku kat tempat lain. Rezeki aku dekat dalam bidang education. Rezeki aku untuk dapat peluang yang tak semua orang dapat. Rezeki orang semua lain-lain. Takdir orang semua lain-lain. Despite all that, I still thank God for whatever I have. I am blessed in so many other ways.
Both my parents are educators. They once told me, kerja cikgu ni tak glamour macam lawyer. 1) sebab gaji lawyer ni besar. 2) sebab orang sekarang punya perception bahawa lawyer ni suatu yang gah, yang wowww gitu. Tapi lagi sekali, semua ni mulut orang. Ada orang pandang rendah kerja cikgu ni, ada orang pulak anggap jadi lawyer je confirm masuk neraka, ada orang berpendapat jadi cikgu tu senang, ada orang lain pulak berpendapat kerja lawyer ni kaya and so on.
Kalau asyik nak dengar orang cakap je, takkan boleh habis. Whatever you do, people will still going to talk. You do good, people will talk. You do bad, even more people will talk about you. So, kenapa nak kena dengar mulut orang yang takkan berhenti bercakap tu? Kalau cakap elok-elok, bagi nasihat, takpe la jugak. But if all their talks are destroying you, then tutup telinga. Do whatever your heart tells you to, and just ignore people's mouths.
I may not know where the future will lead me to, where the fate will bring me to in the next five or ten years. But all I know that, if Allah wills for it to happen, then it will happen. Cliche, tapi sungguh, setiap apa yang berlaku itu pasti ada hikmahnya. Honestly, if you ask me, today, I still have no idea why God put me where I am today. I still don't know the 'silver linings' beneath all these occurrences. But as long as my life is going exactly the way He planned, then I will worry nothing and rest assured.
-- Alhamdulillah, I have finished my foundation and I am now about to enter second semester of degree, Bachelor of Education (TESL). As a degree student and a future teacher (in shaa Allah), I hope to see a better me, in the context of being a better student, a better daughter, and a better servant to Allah. Like generally, a better version of me in every aspects there'll ever be.
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