Questioning

Lately, I have so much in my mind. I've been thinking and questioning things such as my life, my existence, my future as well as the afterlife. Maybe I am losing my faith, the motivations and reasons to keep on living. What's the purpose of life? What's the purpose of living? What's the point of surviving in this world? These kind of thoughts keep revolving around my mind and I'm hoping to find the answer soon. I know these questions are very much linked with our religions and beliefs, but that alone, couldn't help me to go on.

I'm breathing, I'm alive, I'm living, I'm going through day by day, I'm surviving. But why don't I feel alive? It feels like I'm a living corpse. I'm dead inside, but alive on the outside. It has been 19 years of living and so much have happened. When I was younger, I asked myself the purpose of life, but these thoughts were brushed off as I kept on trying to live life to the fullest. But now here I am, asking myself the same question over and over again. This time around, I really can't just ignore it. I need reason and purpose, for me to live my life. I used to think if I live life to the fullest, soon the answer to my question will be disclosed. But not anymore. Right now, I don't think that way anymore.

Life's been hard, at least on me. But seeing other people struggling as well, I know that I'm not the only one who is fighting. And then I know, that everyone has their own struggle in life. Despite all the hardships that have been thrown to them, I still see some who are smiling, some who are so optimistic and some who aren't swayed, not even an inch. I believe it all goes back to our religious belief and practice. I'm not saying I don't believe in the arrangements made by Him, it's just that I hope there's something more to my existence. He created me, and to him shall I return - well, I have always believe in this. However, at some point in life, I started to feel worthless, considering there's nothing significant I can contribute to the society, or to even both of my parents, since I myself, is struggling to get my act together.

I remember being so optimistic in life. I lived by depending on motivational quotes, and yes, it was very helpful, especially when I was feeling down. I would write quotes in my notebook, I would print them out and paste it on my study table and I even memorized some of them. But not anymore. I'm at the stage in life where I have lost interest in quotes, reading motivational articles or listening to motivational talks. I completely lost it all.

Tell me, I'm not the only one who suck at living.
Tell me, better days are coming.
Tell me, I will find my purpose again.
Tell me, I have a long journey to go.
Tell me, I shall not give up.
Tell me, all of this will be worth it.