I Finally Did It!

It's good to be legal. Legally 18. Because now that I'm legal according to the law and order, I am now able to 'handle' my bank accounts myself. Although not to mention how I actually know nothing about it... And now that I'm receiving a higher education, along with the allowances every month from the government, I felt some spark of freedom in the context of spending and handling my expenses. I've never actually manage my own money, except during those school days where my dad would give me cash for every two or four weeks. And that's that. I never really had this 'feeling' of owning a debit card, withdrawing money from the ATM machine whenever you need them. At the age of 18, only am I able to do so. Might be late, but I don't know, I loooove it! I love how I have to be independent in such situations, I love how I have to think twice or thrice and debating with myself whether I should spend or save, I love how I am able to think rationally at most times, I love how I have the control of my money and my expenses. I think I'm growing up *patting myself* *so proud*

But these days, I've been spending my money on food. Solely on food. Not just those everyday food, but damn-these-are-expensive-i-might-able-to-eat-them-only-once-a-month kinda food. But I had no regrets upon spending on them, because of course, once in a while you have this craving and the 'lust'. I never really think twice when it comes to food. If I want KFC, I'll just go get them. If I suddenly want Starbucks, I'll go get them. Without even a single guilt.

As much as I love money, I love spending them too you know. Only this time, I have the sense of 'appreciating' the money because it's mine, because the more I spend the less the amount will be. I'm so used with spending my parents' money, without feeling guilty, well sometimes I do but that's a rare case so yeah. I'm just so glad that I don't really have to depend on my parents so much anymore. I'm so glad that I'm studying and enrolling in a higher institute, but not even a single cent is invested by my parents. But they still buy me stuffs, give me expenses, whenever they feel like to. I mean, I've spent the past years of living in this world depending, finishing and spending my parents' money for my education, my daily needs, my clothes and etc. At least, I lifted a tiny burden from my parents. They don't have to think about expenses for my higher education anymore. I'm so glad.

So what did I (actually) finally do...?

Well, I actually have been laying my eyes on these online shopping websites every now and then. But I didn't really have the guts to do so because a) I don't know how to do online banking, paying online and anything related to online shopping b) This time, I am feeling guilty to ask parents for money just to buy some stuffs I want, not what I need c) I'm always in a dilemma and in debate with myself

But today, I've put the problems aside and just spend wholeheartedly!

I FINALLY DID AN ONLINE SHOPPING, like I finally bought something from the internet; online!

I finally have the guts to do so after a very long time! I'm so proud of myself *patting again* and the excitement I feel is infinite!! I can't wait to receive the items in another few days!!! I'm so proud that I'm using my own money instead of my parents'! But on the other side, of course, I am not proud of myself, spending on things that I'm dying to own, not something that I'll die from not owning. There's difference there, everyone, careful. I basically just fell into my own trap and spent like I own all money in the world so yeah that's not good.

But what's been done is done. I'm still excited as this is my first time doing something as independent but 'foolish' I must say? Hahahaha. Nah, no regrets on where the money had gone. No regrets.

This is life; you grow, you experience, you feel, you appreciate.

Well at least this is what I truly wanted; 

to feel alive,

 to enjoy life to the fullest, 

to learn, 

to experience.

Through Experience

All praises to Allah for everything I have had, up till now.

I got a little swayed after my SPM results was announced. I was taken aback. I was lost. I was feeling hopeless. I felt; as if there won't be any bright future for me. I was sad beyond words and tears. I was broken. I was embarrassed at my own results. I didn't even want to tell anyone about my results. I felt like locking myself away, away from the world. I lost all my confidence. I lost my strength and faith. I didn't know what to do. My mind was in a terrible mess. I was vulnerable and fragile. My tears, they fell almost all the time.

Well you know what? I think I am still sad. I am still feeling hopeless. I am still vulnerable. I am. I am.

Oh don't get me wrong. I'm not here to ask for your sympathy. I'm not here to ask you to comfort me and whatsoever. Nope.

Because I think it's simply unfair for me to keep crying and losing all my strength and everything. Because as much as you people are thrilled for your own results, I believe there are some of you who felt the same thing as I did. So it's unfair for me to get sad and having hard times about it when there are some other people who face the same difficulties as me, but they chose to look forward and stay positive, & most importantly; mereka redha.

I had put my trust and faith on Allah, but then this whole results thingy just dragged my mental & emotion down way too much. I just couldn't handle it. I couldn't handle the fact that I'm not capable of giving my parents straight As in my SPM. I couldn't handle the fact that my friends got better results than me. I couldn't handle the fact that all my uncles and aunties will talk sooo much about me, about how a Science school student did not perform well in her SPM, about how terrible my results are and blabla.

I thought I couldn't handle it. I thought I'm not strong enough. I thought this whole thing is simply unfair. I thought this was beyond my strength and capability. I lost faith & hope on Allah. I completely lost them all.

Oh look, how ungrateful I am to God.

Oh look, how disrespectful I am to God.

Oh look, how greedy I am; I wanted more than what I've been given.

Oh look, how terrible I am.

This is basically just a humble reminder from me. I felt guilty for not trusting His plans, for not trusting His qada' & qadr, for not looking at the bright side.

Allah dah janji; takkan berikan ujian di luar kemampuan hambaNya. Allah  tahu hikmah di sebalik segala kejadian. Allah akan  berikan apa yang terbaik untuk hambaNya. Allah itu Maha Adil, Maha Mengetahui. Maka, sabarlah, redhalah atas segala kejadian & bersangka baiklah dengan Allah.

1) Train your tongue & heart;

Whenever difficulties happen, whenever you go through hardships,whenever you are being tested, then say, "Inna lillahi wa inna ilaihi rajiuun." (from Allah we come, and to Him shall we return)

Let's say you have family problems or emotional problems or problems with your studies or friends or even health problems; have patience & say "inna lillahi..." Because our problems are not permanent. By the time we realise, oh those problems have been solved! So worry not, have patience & put your trust in Allah.

2) Every success is a combination of your effort & Allah's help;

You put effort, Allah gives you His barakah & there you go, straight As in your hand! But for example; you did not get straight As or failed in your examinations, then two things could go wrong. a) Maybe you didn't put enough effort, and when you didn't put enough effort, Allah does not give His barakah. b) Maybe you did put enough effort, but Allah decided not to give His barakah, maybe that's better for you.

-- Before SPM results was announced, I prayed to Him almost everyday,, "jika dengan mendapat straight A dalam SPM 2015 itu bawa keburukan utk aku, utk masa depanku, utk agamaku, utk keluargaku, maka jauhkanlah ianya dariku. Tapi jika dengan mendapat straight A dalam SPM 2015 itu bawa kebaikan untukku, utk masa depanku, utk keluargaku, maka permudahkanlah...".

And.... I did not get straight As. So He answered my prayers. I believe it means that getting straight As does bawa keburukan kepada aku, sebab tu Allah tak bagi straight A. Keburukan kat sini boleh jadi; aku riak, aku takabbur, aku sombong, aku pandang rendah kat orang lain, mungkin family aku pun akan riak kalau aku dapat straight A and etc. Boleh jadi kan?

Dan boleh jadi puncanya datang dari aku sendiri. Aku yang tak usaha lebih, aku yang tak usaha sungguh-sungguh, mungkin doa & amalan aku pun tak cukup banyak. So banyak je sebab kenapa aku tak dapat straight As.

So that's why, I suggest you to look only on the bright side, teach yourself to be grateful, teach yourself to be patient, teach yourself to be 'redha' in any situations sekalipun.

Apa yang Allah beri kat kita dalam hidup ni could mean only three things;

1) Itulah rezeki
2) Itulah yang terbaik
3) Itulah ujian

Sangka baik dengan Allah, dapatlah yang baik. Sangka buruk dengan Allah, dapatlah yang buruk. It's a simple rule to live on, don't you think? :)

Change & Improvements

بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم

I have now come up to the stage of my life where I tend to realize a lot of new things. I'm looking things from different perspectives (hopefully, so).

What have I realized? Quite a lot I must say....

- I am in competition with no one.

- My greatest competition is with myself, not anyone else, but only myself.

- My worst enemy is myself.

- Never compare myself to anyone, except the previous me.

- I'm trying to be better than  the person I was yesterday.

So, up till now, I've been compared to, basically everyone. How everyone is doing well, how everyone is successful, how smart is everyone, how well-mannered is everyone and etc. Every single thing I do, there's always always always gonna be a comparison made. The way I talk, the way I walk, the way I act, how I perform on school academics and the list keeps going on. People compare me to everyone, by every single thing I do.

They might not say this straight on my face but to put it in simpler ways, their comparison basically means like, "oh you're not good enough", "oh there's someone who's absolutely better than you", "oh you got to try harder to meet everyone's expectations" and etc. Well, this is something I could neither avoid nor stop. That's just how the society works. You will never get to please everyone. You will never be good enough for them.

I used to put a lot of thoughts on this whole comparison thing. But now, I just could not care less. Like, screw you for not being able to accept me the way I am. Screw you for not being satisfied with who I am. Screw you for keep comparing me with everyone around me. Just screw you. Find something better to do, at the very least!

I believe people will keep comparing, keep judging, keep talking and they're gonna keep doing what they're doing. I live not to impress people, not to be liked by people & most importantly, not to hate myself. I believe I'm lacking a lot of things but this should not be a reason why you guys should keep comparing and judging. 

I've decided to look things on the bright and positive side ONLY. 

- Oh, people talk about me because I'm like this, because I'm like that. 

Sometimes it might be because I am indeed, lacking of manner, or probably intelligence or probably anything. So that's why they judge. So that's why they compare. Sebab tu penting sangat-sangat untuk sentiasa reflect upon ourselves. Kalau kita tak buat salah, orang takkan mengata, takkan mengumpat. So berbalik pada diri kita sendiri. Tengok & cari mana salah kita, mana kurang kita. Be a better person, each & every day.

Jangan pernah salahkan orang lain. Untuk mengata, untuk membanding-bandingkan kita dengan orang lain, jangan. Kalau kita asyik cari salah orang lain, sampai bila kita nak jumpa salah sendiri? So the key here, is to always improve yourself. Widen the scope a lil bit; kita improve diri sendiri dari semua segi. Dari segi percakapan kita, pemakaian kita, hubungan kita dengan manusia & Allah, dari segi pelajaran kita, dari segi akhlak kita.

You know yourself too well. You know your strong & weak points. You know what you're good at. You know what you suck at. So, improve yourself & keep being better! Kalau harini rasa macam kurang ajar dengan orang sekeliling, kalau harini rasa macam banyak sangat lagha, then make sure tomorrow you are not the same person as you were yesterday. Itu je, Very realistic & possible.

Sebab kalau tengok diri kita few years back then, dan kita terus nak berubah secara drastik, I won't say it's unrealistic, I won't say it's impossible, tapi susah. Berubah secara drastik tu susah. So instead, take constant baby steps. Istiqamah. Ubah diri kita tiap-tiap hari, secara konsisten. Walau sikit, tapi percayalah those things will make a huge difference.

So, what are you waiting for? Let's make a change; slowly, but consistently.

p/s: Rasa nak berubah itu takkan hadir dalam hati kalau bukan dengan rahmat Allah semata-mata. Usaha kita untuk berubah itu takkan berjaya melainkan dengan rahmat Allah semata-mata. Maka, usahalah untuk berubah. Doalah agar dipermudahkan dan agar sentiasa mendapat rahmat Allah. "Kun faya kun", kalau Allah katakan jadi, maka jadilah ia. Kalau Allah kata ya kita akan berubah, maka ya kita akan. Kita sebagai hamba hanya mampu berusaha & berdoa. The rest, it's up to The Almighty :)

Things Going On

So, I've been going through some hectic days. But more like packed & scheduled days kot? Anyways, I'd like to share some of my new experience, how things are going on for me, just to keep you updated (in case you're wondering how I've been doing :p) Things are fine and working well. But I believe busier days are about to come in 2016 haha!

1. Al-Hijama:

Soooo here's something that I'm very eager to share about!! Hehe. Basically, I've this problem where I frequently have headache. Headaches are caused by a lot of factors and as for my case, I honestly don't have a good reason for me to constantly getting headaches, especially throughout 2015. So I googled the symptoms I was having and it turned out there's at least 50% of possibility that I'm having migraine. I never went to the doctor for further confirmation, though. But the symptom was always the same, which is having headache only on one side. Kadang-kadang belah kiri je, kadang-kadang belah kanan je, plus around the eye too! Kat kening, bawah mata & basically that areas akan rasa sakit. So I had to bear this pain until yesterday. Tapi takdelah sampai pening tiap-tiap hari, 24/7 ke nope! Dia datang sesuka hati, dia blah pun sesuka hati.

Therefore, I decided to do cupping therapy, also known as bekam, or Al-Hijama as in Arabic. Ada banyak je klinik & places yang buat bekam but for my family, kitaorang dah biasa bekam kat Akubekam. Akubekam ni ada banyak cawangan & kitaorang pergi kat JB, sebab the nearest.

This is how the interior of the clinic would look like;

Basically, the doctor in charge tu awal-awal akan tanya what's your problem & all. Once you've stated your problems, pening ke apa, the doctor will identify & show you the points on your body which should be cupped. As for me, I had 14 points yang perlu dibekam. Banyak tak?! Some examples of my points are of course the migraine/headache point, the breathing point, gastric point & so much more that I can't possibly list out each of them :D Each & everyone will has different points yang perlu dibekam, ikutlah sakit apa, nanti adalah specific pointnya..

Points on your body! Hehe

Once cleared, the whole cupping process will proceed. Hati dah berdebar-debar dah takyah cite ah. Punyalah takut sampai kaki tangan semua sejuk!! Dah pasrah, redha habis time tu, lantaklah rasa sakit macam mana pun, dalam kepala fikir nak sihat je haha! Serious, memang sakit. Tapi in shaa Allah, the pain is bearable. Kena tahan sikit lah. Satu point, sedut darah dua tiga kali jugak lah, bayangkan, I had fourteen points kot!!! Hahahaha tahan,demi nak sihat, nak hilangkan pening yang berlarutan tu. Adalah jugak kekadang doktor tu tunjuk darah yang dah disedut tu kat aku, mostly darah berwarna merah gelap sebab darah kotor kan? Masa bekam, not only dia sedut darah, tapi dia jugak sedut toksik & angin dalam badan. As a result, kuranglah sikit angin & in shaa Allah blood flow dalam badan pun akan lebih lancar.

The cupping materials. Source: google!

Lepas dah bekam, I was given a honey drink & then the doctor gave me these medicines. Yang dalam botol tu is to be rolled kat tempat-tempat yang dibekam. As for the pills, kena makan sehari sebiji, sebelum tidur. Ada yang mungkin tak kuat, badan lemah ke apa, ada possibility boleh demam or all sorts, that's why kena telan that huge pills! So based on the cupping therapy which had been conducted on me, doktor tu kata besides having headache, I'm also in a very stressful condition, she said aku banyak pendam masalah & I kept everything inside too much. I also had troubles in breathing sebab dekat my breathing point ada banyak darah kotor & angin. I'm still not sure why though, because I believe I don't have asthma or something...

Anyways & anyhow, that was my cupping experience! ;)

2. Computer Test:

Today I sat for ujian berkomputer!!! Finally oh gosh finally~ I know some of my friends dah almost nak dapat lesen P dah hahahaha eh chill lah, we own the time kan watlek lah tak lari lah lesen kereta tu kihkih. Alhamdulillah, passed with flying colours! (eceh) I got 49 out of 50 so kira flying colours lah tu kan haha. But the most interesting part was that I was able to meet my old school-mates!!! Mula-mula I was kinda worried sebab forever alone takde kawan haha pastu lek ah jumpa je kawan-kawan. I met Wafa Aina & Sarena (my TIGS girls), lama dah tak jumpa diaorang :(  And and and!! I also met Aina Batrisyia, my classmate since I was 13 kot haha! Bila masuk samura pun classmate, siap jadi deskmate lagi haa punyalah panjang jodoh kitaorang ni huhu. It was good catching up with the old friends & talked about some stuff, it was reaaal good!

Adios amigos! x

Of Appreciation & Gratitude

بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم

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So today, I believe we all have stepped into a new year, 2016. My concept is now changing ya know... I used to make new year resolutions for myself. What I need to change, what I need to do, what type of person should I become & all sorts. But this year, I'm making a little difference. I had learnt & had come to realize that resolutions aren't supposed to be made on only new years. If you want to change yourself towards a better person, making improvements, making transformations and all, you won't need a new year to do so, right? It's time, so you got to do it. Whether it's a new year or not, you just got to make a change.

So what I'm trying to convey here is that don't procrastinate into becoming better. If you wanna change yourself, do it right now. Not tomorrow, not next week, not next month, not next year. Making changes and improvements is a good thing, so why delay? Good things should not be delayed, okay!?

--I'm that kind of person who have difficulties in moving on. 

Although 2015 was a hectic and tough year for me, although 2015 was full of tears and hardships and all sorts of difficulties; there were still some parts that shined my days. 2015 was not an easy year where I had to go through every single day with patience and I had to endure it very well because things weren't easy for me.

I was still adjusting myself, living in a boarding school. I had to catch up with my studies. I decided to make good memories since it was the last year of high school. I had to fulfill the hopes of my loved ones. I had to struggle so much. I had to endure so much. So much that I believe I'm already missing these kind of scenarios in life. I missed them all, so much that most probably, I'm not ready for a new year :(

Honestly, truly & humbly, I had so much to be thankful for throughout my 2015. Just because it was a  tough year doesn't mean that good things won't come right? As a saying goes "every cloud has it's silver lining", I believe in every hardships there will be ease & happiness. That's what's life is about, after all. So full of ups and downs.

But then again, the reason why I'm writing this post is simply because it's an appreciation post for those people who made my 2015!!! Hihihi ^__^

I got the chance to meet, to know quite a lot of wonderful people. Many things had occurred that made me realize & appreciate people around me and all the love and kindness they have showered me with.

There were all sorts of people who were there when I randomly cried cause I was suffocating in all those hardship I was facing. Those bunch of people who never stopped advising me, giving me endless motivation, endless comfort and endless kindness. Specifically those people are my friends, my parents & my teachers.

I remembered that I cried a lot, to anyone, whenever I felt like to. I remembered that I told all sorts of stories to anyone, whenever I felt like to. I remembered that I laughed way too much, with anyone, whenever I felt like to. I remembered that I was always sick that my friends had to take care of me. I remembered that we girls loved to share food, drinks & god-knows-what-else we shared hahaha. I remembered how my friends poured out & shared their knowledge with me. I remembered how they used to teach me, making sure I understand what I was learning.

I remembered how my parents would make time to visit me. I remembered how my parents would comfort me whenever I said that I couldn't do this anymore. I remembered how my parents would always tell me that I'm always in their prayers. I remembered how they would spend  an amount of expenses at the boarding school. I remembered how they would cook for me, when I was in crave for various food.

I remembered how the teachers would give us endless advices. I remembered how the teachers would randomly tell us stories. I remembered how the teachers taught us so well so that we would understand better in our studies. I remembered how the teachers wouldn't just recklessly be mad at us unless we really did something terrible. I remembered how the teachers were so easy to get along with.

I am too grateful for all the love I have received throughout 2015. I am so thankful that they appeared, making things a hundred times better. I don't know how to express this in words cause I'm lacking of vocabularies (haha, pardon me), but I dont know, I'm just grateful to meet all of you. I'm overwhelmed with the kindness & thoughtfulness.

Here's something cheesy but sincere;
I may not be able to repay all your kindness, I may not be able to be a good friend or a good listener, I may not be as kind as you people, I may not be able to again, express my gratitude & appreciation in the most righteous manner.

But I strongly believe that Allah will repay all your deeds & kindness fairly. I believe you will be showered with warm love from everyone. I believe He will grant you His blessings and happiness.

I wish you the very best in life & hereafter. I wish you success & healthy years ahead. I wish you happiness & love from your loved ones. I wish you a blessed life. Moga sentiasa dalam jagaan Yang Esa.

...yes you, you who painted my 2015 with colorful memories :')

(just because some of you might not be in the picture, doesn't mean you're not in my heart! ^^)