Life Update That No One Asked For

Hello, 2021. I don't know what I did for the past twelve months but time surely flies, like crazy. 

My last post here was about the pandemic, and I can't believe months later, nothing has changed, NOTHING. Our lives are no longer the same. The post that I wrote here was at the early 'stage' of the pandemic & MCO thingy so I guess that's why I was so positive, when I re-read the things I wrote. But today, it suddenly got me thinking like wow, will I ever be that positive again? I didn't know my mental and emotional health are going to be affected by this pandemic and whatever's going on. I was so optimistic, remember? However, all praises to Allah, my family and I are still in the pink of health - that's something I should be thankful for every single day.

A lot of things had happened, some were painful and bitter, some were fun and memorable. I mean, that's the nature of life right? Fast forward to today, the day I'm writing this post - hello MCO, we meet again! I was supposed to go back to KL today and you know, start our new semester physically and not virtually 👀 But the government announced that MCO will be enforced again so basically everything is going haywire too. This is our very last semester and I can't believe that we are still stuck with online learning! It really really breaks my heart for the fact that I can't meet my friends and that everything is still 'abnormal'. Don't even get me started with my research because we all know that mine is a complete disaster, that's for sure. Based on the current situation, I don't think we'll be having any graduation ceremony as well like okay this is the MOST HEARTBREAKING news for me. Like, no convocation for my degree?! Tell me what's sadder than this?! 😭😢 Although nothing has been confirmed yet but by the look of it, we all know, we all know. 

By the way guys, it's already 2021 and I still have to struggle with my mental and emotional well-being huh?? New year, same me lol 💁 I don't want to go deeper into this because it's still hard for me to swallow and keep up. It's neither something that I'm proud of nor something that I'm comfortable talking but something I'm okay of mentioning, if that makes sense. One thing for sure though, this shit is real and I know a lot of people out there are also struggling. It's like a battle no one sees but I believe we are all fighters and warriors of our own. Take your time to be okay again because it's okay to not be okay 🌻 

I guess that's all for now. I'm running out of ideas to write although I know there's so much more I want to lol okay bye.

Blessing in Disguise

Time flies; we have now entered the fifth month of the year 2020. Ten years ago, I was still a primary school kid and 2020 sounded really grand and exciting. People had been talking about all the cool stuffs that are going to happen in 2020 - especially the flying cars lol. But masha Allah, He knows better and everything happens within His knowledge. Who knew the whole world will be swept away by the creatures which can't be seen with our naked eyes? Who knew this particular creation of Allah would put people in so much worry and would take so many lives? But honestly, it depends on how you view things. Some might see this pandemic as a blessing, some might take it as a lesson while some might see it as a test. As for me, I see it as a test, a blessing and a reminder all at once. I believe it has taught me to be grateful, to be sympathetic towards others, to reflect on ourselves and most importantly, it reminds me of how helpless we are without His help, how we are so clueless, our knowledge is limited and so little that we can't even find the cure or even take control over this situation.  

Lesson #1 

Once the covid-19 has spread vigorously in Malaysia, our government decided to implement Movement Control Order (MCO) and it lasted for a month. Now, we are in the phase of Conditioned Movement Control Order (CMCO) which alhamdulillah, is so much lenient than before. During MCO, we were asked to stay put at our home and only the head of the family could go out - that is, to buy groceries. Schools, universities, workplaces and shopping malls were closed. People had to work and study online. As a student myself, honestly online learning is a hassle. I do not like it at all. Assignments and tutorial tasks were all piled up, my lecturers got no chill and most of the days the internet connection is really slow in our house. I felt as if there's no space for me to breathe. But alhamdulillah, went through it. Classes are over but I still have online assessment coming up this June. I think I had it hard because of the online learning alone, but little did I realize, I was and still, blessed in so many ways. Alhamdulillah, I am indeed one of the lucky and blessed ones - I'm healthy, I'm able to eat good food everyday, I have my parents by my side, I have two cute cats which never fail to put a smile on my face and I have a conducive, cozy place to stay in. Honestly, there are so many more things that I am forever grateful for.

Lesson #2

Which brings me to the next lesson, which is to sympathize for other people who are less fortunate. Both my brother and sister are currently living alone. My brother had just moved to a new rental house so there were no cooking equipment or facilities. And, he can't cook. So during MCO, he would eat cereals or breads, especially for dinner. My sister, on the other hand, lives alone for at least, six days a week, while her husband is working offshore. So just imagine, people all over Malaysia, or even all over the world, who have to go through the same thing or maybe worse, than my siblings. Some people don't have enough money or food, some had to quit their jobs, some lose their loved ones, some live on the streets, some battle with the disease, some feel extreme pain and discomfort, some sacrifice their own lives just to save others'. And masha Allah - so many more situations they're put in. Just by imagining them breaks my heart. I wonder how I'll cope with life if I were ever to be put under such circumstances 😭 SubhanAllah, I'm grateful. SubhanAllah, I'm blessed. 

Lesson #3

Sometimes I feel this pandemic is a reminder for all of us. We all have sinned and committed destruction upon destruction in this world. So now is a good time for us to reflect and ponder our actions. It's time to start correcting our deen, actions and attitudes. Be better human beings and slaves to Allah. What breaks my heart the most is when I saw pictures of the holy Mecca and Medina, which used to be packed with people, are now empty. Mosques are closed - Friday prayers, Taraweeh or even the fardhu prayers can't be performed in jamaah anymore. I also read that the air pollution is decreasing and the rivers are much cleaner,  now that everyone is staying at home. What did we do so wrong that Allah has stopped giving us the opportunity and freedom - to roam around freely, to travel, to go to work, to go to class, to see and visit our relatives, to pray at the mosques, to visit Mecca and Medina? Repent, reflect and think - this is what all of us should be doing.

Lesson #4

Now that we have reflected on ourselves, here comes the last lesson that I have identified - we are helpless without Him. We may have all the wealth, power or knowledge the world has to offer, but nothing can beat His power, His knowledge and His plan. Up till today, we still can't find the vaccine for this virus. Every day, the number of deaths and the positive cases of covid-19 are increasing. Not to mention how the world economy is now collapsing. We don't know when this will end, in fact, it almost seems like there's no end to it.  This shows how we are all helpless, clueless and weak. Our lives, our health and generally, our fate depend on Him alone. He is indeed the Greatest and the Most Powerful.

May Allah forgive and have mercy on us. May He protect us and our loved ones. May He lift and ease all our pain, then replace it with something better. May we have sabr and faith in Him alone. And may this pandemic be over as soon as possible.

20 Things I Learnt Before Turning 20

1) People come and go. It's part of the life process.

For the past 20 years of living, I've met and had so many people in my life - friends, teachers or even strangers. No matter how badly I want someone to stay, I realized that as I grow up, people keep on going in and out of my life. Their presence could only mean two things; a lesson or a blessing. I've lost so many friends, whom I no longer keep in touch, but knowing them was truly a blessing and the memories that we had will forever be cherished. Not everyone is meant to stay in your life forever, so you gotta accept that.

2) Even if you have bad grades, no, you're not a failure.

It's good to have good grades or score straight As in exams. However, having good grades is not an indicator of success in someone's life. Although it has become a 'norm' for being labelled as stupid or lazy whenever someone is unable to get good grades, trust me, exams don't define your intelligence level. Some just want to test out your memorization skills lol. I wasn't really one of the brightest students at school, but up till today, I believe I've turned out to be alright. I discovered what I'm good at, picked up a few skills to be practiced in real life and have decided to be a life-long learner. Does that sound like a 'failure' to you? I hope not.

3) Enjoy your childhood. To the maximum.

When I was a kid, I dreamed of being an adult. Now that I'm an adult, I'm dreaming of becoming a kid again. I wish I never grow up because being an adult sucks, FYI, but we all know that I am currently growing older so that wish is never going to happen.

4) Start learning to do household chores at an early age. 

I was trained to do chores at quite an early age, if I'm not mistaken. Sweeping the floor, washing dishes, cooking and cleaning bathrooms are things that you should try to do, even if your mum doesn't ask you to. I see this whole doing chores thingy as a preparation for me when I become a wife and a mother, later on. And simply because I want to be a good daughter to my parents hihi. So unless you want to grow up being a spoiled brat, then you might consider not doing these chores at all.

5) If you can't do what you love, then love what you do.

6) Acne/pimples don't define beauty.

As a teenager and also an adolescent, I'm so used to be having a lot of acne and acne scars (I still have some btw) so I understand what it's like to suffer from acne. Acne and pimples are mostly caused by the hormones or unhealthy living style. AND IT IS COMPLETELY NORMAL. Even if your face is full of pimples, no, you're not ugly. Sure you may feel insecure and whatnot, but please don't downgrade yourself. Fight those acne and be confident with yourself!

7) Even if you're put in unexpected situations or life events, know that your life is going exactly the way He planned it.

8) Always try something new. Be adventurous.

Be active, curious and adventurous. Because you're young. Go and explore new things. And don't be afraid to step out of your comfort zone.

9) Love yourself first, then only the others.

I mean, I'm not asking you to be selfish or self-centered. Just make sure to love yourself and accept all your flaws. If you hate yourself, how do you expect others to like you? Don't you think?

10) What people think of you isn't a big deal.

People are free to judge, like or hate you, that's their business. At the end of the day, you can never please everybody. And in order to be and stay positive, you need not to listen to every single word people throw at you. You can take some, for motivational purposes. But if you think people's thought and opinion bring nothing but destruction to you, then keep your ears shut.

11) If you ever have to choose between your family or your friends, your family it is.

12) Problems, sadness and all sorts of troubles in life are not permanent, soon they shall pass.

13) It's not the end of the world, even if you're single or not in a relationship.

I've involved myself in a 'romantic' relationship for only a couple of times, and at such young age. But as I grew older, I met a few douchebags along the way and it somehow made me feel like real good guys are in the process of extinction. And so, I'd rather be single than be with some guy who cheats or has some unpleasant characteristics (which I believe you can think of your own). Therefore, be in a relationship when you're ready to commit, when you're sure you won't break a person's heart and when you know it's time. To me, I want a relationship that lasts. Till we get married. Till death do us part. Even till the hereafter. I seriously have no time for those who just want to have fun, playing or messing around, urm nope. So again, be single, until you're ready not to be.

14) If you have nothing good to say, then stay silent.

15) Notice even the littlest things in life, it'll help you to stay grateful.

16) Never neglect your emotional health, it's just as important as your physical health.

17) Don't stress over the things you can't change. Focus only on the ones you're able to.

18) You'll want to buy and own a lot of stuffs at some point in life, but make sure to save and spend wisely.

19) Your happiness depends on you.

20) See good in all things.

How I Ended Up Em(Brace)Ing Myself

I have lived my life, believing that I had pretty good alignment of teeth, meaning: no teeth problems such as gigi tak tersusun or gigi yg cosmetically tak cantik la untuk dipandang. Kalau kena jumpa dentist, okay je, cuma the only frequent problem I had was cavity, which to me, normal la tu sebab memang dari kecik makan gula-gula banyak sangat pastu tak rajin gosok gigi hahaha. Secara kosmetiknya, gigi aku memang tersusun la senang cerita, cavity tu lain cerita. However, my belief and stance had changed drastically when I started to notice there's something wrong with the alignment of my teeth, which I believed did not occur before. Around February 2016 (I was 18 years old during that time btw), I noticed that my front tooth macam terkeluar tau, sorang dia je pulak tu terkeluar...macam terkeluar daripada landasan yg betul la haa gitu. The first few months when I started to notice the change, it wasn't that noticeable pun sebenarnya, cuma sebab aku yg belek muka depan cermin tiap-tiap hari ni mestilah perasan kalau ada perubahan yg berlaku kan? So I started to tell my parents about my concern. And then sejak tu barulah diaorang pun perasan. Tapi biar jelah tak buat apa pun sebab rasa mcm takde mudarat apa pun kat aku kan...

This was during February 2016. And the circled part is the particular tooth which seems to be 'out of track' lol.

Months passed by and I started to feel that my front tooth ni makin ke depan dan makin terkeluar. But no it wasn't that severe sampai kena ejek gigi hodoh ke apa hahaha takde lah semua tu. But it was my concern la like kenapa mengapa bagaimana perkara ini boleh terjadi sedangkan selama 18 tahun sebelumnya, aku rasa gigi aku elok je takde masalah. Start la risau sikit-sikit. On December 2016, my parents decided to bring me to a dentist, nak tanya la apa masalah gigi aku ni. First, I went to a government clinic to do little dental check-up. However, the dentist was like "takde apa ni, you je yang perasan lebih..", but did somewhat agree yg memang gigi depan aku tu terkeluar. So my mum tanya la apa solution kan, and dia kata buat braces la senang. However, the government clinics will only 'sponsor' the cost of doing braces to those aged 18 and below, and they only accept severe cases. Well in my case, dentist tu cakap tak teruk.

I don't know but mum wasn't that satisfied when the dentist said that aku je yang perasan lebih & sebenarnya gigi aku ok je. After that, mum brought me to a private clinic instead, again, asking about my teeth's condition and everything. The dentist told me that my front tooth tu terkeluar because it's being pushed by other teeth, gigi bongsu aku tak keluar lagi, tapi as a preparation untuk dia tumbuh, dia start to push gigi-gigi yg lain supaya ada la space untuk dia tumbuh nanti. As a result of the pushing, maka, gigi depan aku yg satu ni pun terkeluarlah daripada landasan yg betul. Bila tanya apa solution, dentist tu suruh pakai braces but before that, I have to consult an orthodontist for further explanation and information. And so I did. The orthodontist (who is also my dentist now) then did a few explanation regarding my teeth's problem and also did an x-ray of my teeth.

This is the x-ray version of my teeth. The circled part shows how my front tooth was way toooo front. According to my dentist, the gap or distance between my upper and lower teeth was quite abnormal so that's the highlight of my teeth problem hahaha.

I then asked my dentist a couple questions:

1) With the current condition of teeth, is it really necessary for me to wear braces?

-Boleh kalau tak nak pakai braces, but my teeth will keep on pushing each other and ada kemungkinan besar kalau dibiarkan, gigi depan ni akan lebih terkeluar lah in the future. Gigi bongsu belum keluar pun tapi dia dah start pushing other teeth, bayangkanlah kalau dia dah start tumbuh nanti??

2) To solve my teeth's problem, is wearing braces the only option? Sebab rasa membazir kena pakai braces hanya disebabkan gigi depan ni terkeluar padahal gigi lain okay je huhuhu.

-Ada method lain selain daripada braces, which is dental crown. However, my dentist said that kalau aku buat crowning, dia kena matikan akar dulu. Plus, according to her, gigi aku masih elok, takde decay ke apa, so membazir la buat crown ni, mcm tak berapa sesuai la. So the best method is, wearing braces.

3) Since yg bermasalah tu only my upper teeth, boleh tak kalau pakai braces untuk betulkan bahagian atas je, tak payah pakai braces bahagian gigi bawah?

-Not recommended. According to my dentist, kalau pakai braces dekat gigi atas je, of course dia akan betulkan alignment gigi tu, tapi nanti bahagian bawah pulak tak okay. So seeloknya pakai braces bahagian atas & bawah sekali, supaya semua gigi tu dapat bergerak sekali sesama untuk dapat kan position yg betul balik.

Everything happened quite fast la jugak sebab tahu-tahu je, eh dah pasang braces dah. And so I started to wear braces on the 31st December 2016. So with this post, I hope that I'm able to clarify things to those who wonder why I wear braces in the first place. My friends, especially, memang sangat terkejut lah when they saw my new appearance, with the braces and everything.

Never did it cross my mind that one day I'd have to wear braces. Takde niat takde hajat pun utk pakai braces ni. And honestly, aku tak nak pun pakai sebab memang rasa membazir lah, problem aku kat gigi depan belah atas je tapi sebab nak betulkan dia sorang je, kena pakai braces utk gigi atas & gigi bawah. Aku sendiri still takleh brain. Plus, the cost is not cheap, very pricey and rasa tak patut pun hmm ada la sikit rasa menyesal tu like kenapalahh aku setuju je nak pakai braces bila dentist tu suruh hahhaahha. Menyesal tak menyesal, sekarang ni dah almost 17 months dah aku pakai braces. How time flies... It feels like only yesterday I felt the pain of wearing braces and how I wasn't able to chew solid food, only ate porridge or soup for couple of weeks sebab senang, terus telan, takyah kunyah. But sekarang okay je, I'm now at the phase where I'm still pushing myself to take extra care of my teeth in terms of brushing, flossing and all.

So that's all about it. I only include literally how i ended up wearing braces, nothing else. In terms of the cost, my personal experience and all shall be shared another time 'cause I believe it's going to be one hella long post so I'm gonna save it for later (if I have time and the spirit to write hahaah).

Toodles!

What Have I Gotten Myself Into

This is my first post in 2018, so hello new year! I'm not gonna go with the slogan "new year, new me", simply because I don't do that anymore..? I've stopped making new year resolutions since 2016. I no longer think that you should become a totally new person, for the sake of the entrance of a new year. My thinking and belief had changed - if you wanna make changes upon yourself, then do it. Whether it's a new year or not, it doesn't matter. What I'm trying to say here is that you have to constantly change and make improvements on yourself - every single day, not just every single year.

So today's post isn't particularly about a new year or something similar to that, it's regarding my study and basically my future. And as you already know, I am now in the second semester (out of eight semesters altogether) of my degree. It has been only two weeks of class and trust me, it's already tiring and exhausting. For this semester, we are now slowly being exposed into deeper knowledge on teaching and not just the English language itself. In this semester, we'll be taught on how to do lesson plans, learning more theories in teaching, how to make teaching & learning process more aligned with the 21st century learning & basically so much more. Plus, starting from this semester, we'll start our school-based experience for a week at any primary school of our own choice.

When I first encounter the course Teaching English as Second Language (TESL), I honestly found it a bit tempting because it involves English language and for your record, I loooooove (but erm seriously idk if I should put the word 'love' as the past or present tense lol) English so much! And when I decided to go on with this course, although I know I have no passion or interest in teaching and becoming a teacher, but since I love English language so much, I told and promised myself that I will develop the interest and passion in teaching as I step into this journey.

I used to love English because of how interesting it was (not that I found English is no longer fun today, in the present but idk). When I was a little younger, I loved to jot down unfamiliar English words along with the meaning, I loved to talk to myself in English, I loved watching English movies, I loved listening to English songs (I still do), I love how English has different accents - whether it's British or American or whatever accents that ever existed. Like generally, I grew up with my life revolving and being exposed to English and its usage. The basic skills that you need to have to master any language are of course; reading, writing, listening and speaking in that particular language. I grew up believing that I was literate enough, I was fluent enough in English language since I can speak, write, listen  and read in English well.

But now here I am, a TESL student, in the year 2018, realizing that these basic skills ARE NOT enough, AT ALL! I also realized that being in this course, your fluency or your love towards English language alone IS NOT sufficient in order to be a good TESL student and later, a good English teacher to your kids. And today, you know what more that I realized? I realized that this isn't just merely about English language or some simple teaching methods to teach the kids. It's not! There's just so much more to it!

I have learnt Linguistics in the first semester and I swear it was not easy at all! Not the kind of English language that I used to believe was just a piece of cake. For this semester on the other hand, I'll be learning English Phonetics & Phonology and I'm 100% sure that this paper will be A LOT tougher. So let's just say, those teenage years I spent on believing that English is easy had just been totally crushed. Nope, English language is not easy. Not anymore.

As I had just two weeks of class in 2018, I know nothing after this will be easy and relaxing. And how I have been taking this teaching & being a teacher stuff very lightly ever since I started my studies on 2016 - obviously I was wrong and dumb and foolish to not take it seriously. Being a TESL student will be a lot more challenging after this. Being a future primary school teacher will definitely be 100 times tougher.

So look what I have got myself into...

Written Fate

All my life, I've always believe in this thing called fate. I've been taught to believe in it. It somehow then teaches me to realize that some things are meant to happen for reason, that there are some things which are out of my control. So all I gotta do is to give my best in everything & let things flow on their own. With that stance, I have less things to worry.

I was a Science stream student. Right after PMR, I continued my studies at a boarding school called SM Sains Muar. And from the name itself you'd know that we learn & take Science subjects for SPM.  And therefore, I learnt Biology, Chemistry and Physics. I have always wanted to go to boarding school, since I was thirteen, I believe. But only at the age of sixteen, was I able to achieve my so-called-dream. But surviving in that school, to me, was not easy. I ended up getting stressed quite often. I enjoyed living and experiencing the boarding school life actually, but I had difficulties on catching up with my studies. And bila sebut budak sekolah sains, everyone will have this high expectation in their own mind:

Budak sekolah sains = SPM mesti score

Budak sekolah sains = mesti pandai

Orang akan pandang budak MRSM, budak sekolah asrama penuh (SBP), budak sekolah sains ni macam wow hebat la kononnya. Aku pun pernah rasa macam "oh aku tergolong dalam budak-budak pandai jugak la eh..." Rasa tergolong tu sekejap je sebab aku tetiba sedar diri dan alhamdulillah time tu masih lagi berpijak di bumi yang nyata. Aaand, let's just say I did not do well in my SPM, two years ago. So basically aku tak fulfill la expectation orang yang berpendapat budak sekolah sains mesti dapat straight As dalam SPM. Based on my trial SPM dulu pun, I could actually guess yang my SPM memang takkan gempak. But still, I put effort, prayers and hopes, mana la tau tetiba Tuhan nak bagi 9A+ ke kan. Dan dah ditakdirkan aku tak dapat straight As pun.

I cried and cried and cried for days long. Nangis pun sebenarnya bukan apa, sebab malu. Budak sekolah sains kan? Dapat result tak best pulak tu... Kira macam dah menconteng arang di muka sendiri la huhu. Tapi, hidup mesti diteruskan. So from that moment onwards, I lost confidence to pursue Science-related course after SPM tu. And I told my parents that I no longer want to do Maths or Science. And so, what options do I have left? Sumpah rasa macam dah takde masa depan time tu. These days, course apa je yang tak melibatkan Science & Maths kan? Masa buat 'research' nak apply apa untuk UPU, I came across course Law & TESL. Dua course ni je yang time tu aku rasa boleh selamatkan aku daripada belajar Science & Maths lagi. So masa apply UPU, aku mintak foundation Law kat UIA & UiTM. Tapi at the same time, my dad wanted me to apply for another programme under Institut Pendidikan Guru (IPG). Told my parents over and over again that I have no intention of becoming a teacher, so why bother applying this programme in the first place? My dad kept on saying that ni saja-saja je apply, belum tentu dapat and blabla.

So long story cut short, I was accepted to study foundation in law at Uitm Dengkil. Masa tu dapat matriks jugak, but I was firm with my decision to not involve myself with Science subjects anymore, so aku pun pergilah Dengkil. Initially, I was soooo happy because most of my friends dari sekolah rendah sampai sekolah menengah, semua I dapat jumpa balik. When my relatives & people around me dapat tahu yang time tu I ambil course law, some reacted pleasantly, while some did not. Ada lagi yang cakap kalau jadi lawyer ni sebelah kaki confirm masuk neraka. Time tu baru seminggu dua I dekat Dengkil, start belajar pun belum, dah ada yang cakap bukan-bukan. Memang tersentap bila dengar orang cakap macam tu, like, how can you be small-minded? Lawyer ni bukan terhad kepada bela penjenayah semata-mata. Law itself is so broad. You boleh jadi lawyer dalam bidang housing development ke, shariah lawyer ke, boleh jadi lawyer macam-macam lah. Tak semestinya kena naik turun mahkamah, just like how typical people punya perception. I swear to God masa tu I was so angry. Tapi sebab mulut orang kan, mana boleh nak buat apa.

After about two or three weeks at Dengkil, I received an offer letter from IPG, saying that I was qualified to pursue study in Teaching English as Second Language (TESL). Bila first baca tawaran tu, I was like hell no no no, I am not going!! Tapi lepas tu I did istikharah prayer for a few times and I believe my decision to quit Uitm Dengkil and to stop learning law was solely guided by Allah. Never did it cross my mind yang I will be in this path. That me myself, will choose TESL, not my parents, not my family, but I sendiri yang pilih & buat keputusan. Hati yang keras macam batu, yang beria tak nak, yang kononnya time tu dah 'bahagia' duduk Dengkil, ended up choosing a completely different path in life.

And after I chose to quit law and pursue my study in TESL, ada je lagi mulut orang berbicara... "Oh la, jadi cikgu je?" Bila ada orang tanya I study mana and I sebut IPG, people will be like, apa tu, kat mana tu and blabla. Senang cerita, tak famous la, tak semua orang tahu. Cuba kalau sebut "oh saya amik law, oh saya amik perubatan, oh saya amik engineering", mesti orang akan pandang tinggi. Sama la kes dengan sekolah sains tadi, sama je. Bila sebut cikgu, "oh cikgu je?" Hahahaha JE?!?!?! Part tu la yang paling menyampah sekali dengar. Satu lagi part yang paling menyampahhhh jugak bila orang kata:

"Belajar kat sekolah sains, tapi jadi cikgu je."
"Penat-penat belajar sains, tapi kat universiti tak amik sains pun."
"Budak sekolah sains patutnya fly overseas"
"Cuba kalau dulu dapat straight As, mesti dapat belajar luar negara kan?"

a) Dalam my batch, yes, ramai dapat straight As, tapi tak sampai separuh pun yang dapat fly overseas.
b) Yes I was a Science student at school, so what? At the university, I can't pursue my studies in other than Science-related subjects? Is that how it works, or is there such law that I need to abide when it comes to freedom in choosing what you want to learn?
c) Tuhan dah letak myself to where I am supposed to be, so here I am. Tuhan dah cakap memang I'm not qualified enough untuk dapat straight As, maybe sebab usaha tak cukup, doa tak cukup, who knows? Alhamdulillah I'm able to accept the fact yang aku takde rezeki untuk merasa dapat straight As, aku takde rezeki nak study law, aku takde rezeki nak sambung belajar luar negara. And again, alhamdulillah, rezeki aku kat tempat lain. Rezeki aku dekat dalam bidang education. Rezeki aku untuk dapat peluang yang tak semua orang dapat. Rezeki orang semua lain-lain. Takdir orang semua lain-lain. Despite all that, I still thank God for whatever I have. I am blessed in so many other ways.

Both my parents are educators. They once told me, kerja cikgu ni tak glamour macam lawyer. 1) sebab gaji lawyer ni besar. 2) sebab orang sekarang punya perception bahawa lawyer ni suatu yang gah, yang wowww gitu. Tapi lagi sekali, semua ni mulut orang. Ada orang pandang rendah kerja cikgu ni, ada orang pulak anggap jadi lawyer je confirm masuk neraka, ada orang berpendapat jadi cikgu tu senang, ada orang lain pulak berpendapat kerja lawyer ni kaya and so on.

Kalau asyik nak dengar orang cakap je, takkan boleh habis. Whatever you do, people will still going to talk. You do good, people will talk. You do bad, even more people will talk about you. So, kenapa nak kena dengar mulut orang yang takkan berhenti bercakap tu? Kalau cakap elok-elok, bagi nasihat, takpe la jugak. But if all their talks are destroying you, then tutup telinga. Do whatever your heart tells you to, and just ignore people's mouths.

I may not know where the future will lead me to, where the fate will bring me to in the next five or ten years. But all I know that, if Allah wills for it to happen, then it will happen. Cliche, tapi sungguh, setiap apa yang berlaku itu pasti ada hikmahnya. Honestly, if you ask me, today, I still have no idea why God put me where I am today. I still don't know the 'silver linings' beneath all these occurrences. But as long as my life is going exactly the way He planned, then I will worry nothing and rest assured.

-- Alhamdulillah, I have finished my foundation and I am now about to enter second semester of degree, Bachelor of Education (TESL). As a degree student and a future teacher (in shaa Allah), I hope to see a better me, in the context of being a better student, a better daughter, and a better servant to Allah. Like generally, a better version of me in every aspects there'll ever be.

Questioning

Lately, I have so much in my mind. I've been thinking and questioning things such as my life, my existence, my future as well as the afterlife. Maybe I am losing my faith, the motivations and reasons to keep on living. What's the purpose of life? What's the purpose of living? What's the point of surviving in this world? These kind of thoughts keep revolving around my mind and I'm hoping to find the answer soon. I know these questions are very much linked with our religions and beliefs, but that alone, couldn't help me to go on.

I'm breathing, I'm alive, I'm living, I'm going through day by day, I'm surviving. But why don't I feel alive? It feels like I'm a living corpse. I'm dead inside, but alive on the outside. It has been 19 years of living and so much have happened. When I was younger, I asked myself the purpose of life, but these thoughts were brushed off as I kept on trying to live life to the fullest. But now here I am, asking myself the same question over and over again. This time around, I really can't just ignore it. I need reason and purpose, for me to live my life. I used to think if I live life to the fullest, soon the answer to my question will be disclosed. But not anymore. Right now, I don't think that way anymore.

Life's been hard, at least on me. But seeing other people struggling as well, I know that I'm not the only one who is fighting. And then I know, that everyone has their own struggle in life. Despite all the hardships that have been thrown to them, I still see some who are smiling, some who are so optimistic and some who aren't swayed, not even an inch. I believe it all goes back to our religious belief and practice. I'm not saying I don't believe in the arrangements made by Him, it's just that I hope there's something more to my existence. He created me, and to him shall I return - well, I have always believe in this. However, at some point in life, I started to feel worthless, considering there's nothing significant I can contribute to the society, or to even both of my parents, since I myself, is struggling to get my act together.

I remember being so optimistic in life. I lived by depending on motivational quotes, and yes, it was very helpful, especially when I was feeling down. I would write quotes in my notebook, I would print them out and paste it on my study table and I even memorized some of them. But not anymore. I'm at the stage in life where I have lost interest in quotes, reading motivational articles or listening to motivational talks. I completely lost it all.

Tell me, I'm not the only one who suck at living.
Tell me, better days are coming.
Tell me, I will find my purpose again.
Tell me, I have a long journey to go.
Tell me, I shall not give up.
Tell me, all of this will be worth it.

More Life Updates

1) All praises to Him alone, I'm a degree student now. And if He wills it; in another four years, I'll be a graduate of Bachelor of Education (TESL). So far so good. I mean, I like where I am now. I feel contented and blessed to be here, in this path. Even though I need to remind myself thousand times, that I'm a future teacher and it's not just a career, but something more to it. I'm looking forward for more adventures and excitement of being one. Not to mention all the difficulties and hardship I'll be encountering, but, still, I know there's something about it that I'll enjoy. In shaa Allah (:

2) I have no idea why I'm practically involved in this because the last time I checked, I was rusty and dusty when it comes to debating. Although during my second semester of foundation I did enter the debate competition thingy, I was just basically a reserve lol. But there'll be another debate competition in Perak, this August, and in shaa Allah I'll be participating in it *still don't know why tho* And it'll be the British Parliament style of debating, which I'm currently still trying to figure and sort things out. I mean, like, me, debating, again, not as a reserve, but as someone who actually debates, lol, what, me??????????? Oh god give me mercy.

3) Good news, I am now back to being an active member of La Nina!!! So far so good. Nothing too stress. For the record, I still enjoy playing rugby so that's more than enough. And in shaa Allah we'll be entering the IPIK rugby competition, also this coming August. We've got about two weeks before the game lol I'm expecting the extensive practices and fitness in those weeks. Just like last year, we'll be sending two teams. But for now, the game plan & everything is still unclear cause we're actually busy 'teaching' the new comers in La Nina but at the same time need to focus on those entering the tournament sooo haha. Hehe so excited and scared at the same time!! May Allah ease!

4) I haven't been seeing my dentist for almost three months now and God knows how my teeth are actually back to the misalignment thingy again :((( And as much as I've observed, my deep bite is still severe like, all the elastics I've been using has not help me to have a normal bite lol. Not to mention how I'm extremely uncomfortable with the braces, especially now because I have cuts everywhere in my mouth and it sores so much. My dentist actually wanted to check my teeth again in two months time but since mum & dad are sooooooooooo freaking busy every single weekend, I had to push my dentist appointment forward, which in at the end of August. How the hell am I supposed to bear with the pain and discomfort and this misalignment of my teeth oh goshhhhh.

5) Last but not least, I've moved on. But still, can't avoid the intertwining fate that we have where certain time we still have to cross each other's life in some way or another. But so far so good. I'm not mourning or anything, just practically teaching myself to let go. Well actually, letting a lot of things go....

I Finally Did It!

It's good to be legal. Legally 18. Because now that I'm legal according to the law and order, I am now able to 'handle' my bank accounts myself. Although not to mention how I actually know nothing about it... And now that I'm receiving a higher education, along with the allowances every month from the government, I felt some spark of freedom in the context of spending and handling my expenses. I've never actually manage my own money, except during those school days where my dad would give me cash for every two or four weeks. And that's that. I never really had this 'feeling' of owning a debit card, withdrawing money from the ATM machine whenever you need them. At the age of 18, only am I able to do so. Might be late, but I don't know, I loooove it! I love how I have to be independent in such situations, I love how I have to think twice or thrice and debating with myself whether I should spend or save, I love how I am able to think rationally at most times, I love how I have the control of my money and my expenses. I think I'm growing up *patting myself* *so proud*

But these days, I've been spending my money on food. Solely on food. Not just those everyday food, but damn-these-are-expensive-i-might-able-to-eat-them-only-once-a-month kinda food. But I had no regrets upon spending on them, because of course, once in a while you have this craving and the 'lust'. I never really think twice when it comes to food. If I want KFC, I'll just go get them. If I suddenly want Starbucks, I'll go get them. Without even a single guilt.

As much as I love money, I love spending them too you know. Only this time, I have the sense of 'appreciating' the money because it's mine, because the more I spend the less the amount will be. I'm so used with spending my parents' money, without feeling guilty, well sometimes I do but that's a rare case so yeah. I'm just so glad that I don't really have to depend on my parents so much anymore. I'm so glad that I'm studying and enrolling in a higher institute, but not even a single cent is invested by my parents. But they still buy me stuffs, give me expenses, whenever they feel like to. I mean, I've spent the past years of living in this world depending, finishing and spending my parents' money for my education, my daily needs, my clothes and etc. At least, I lifted a tiny burden from my parents. They don't have to think about expenses for my higher education anymore. I'm so glad.

So what did I (actually) finally do...?

Well, I actually have been laying my eyes on these online shopping websites every now and then. But I didn't really have the guts to do so because a) I don't know how to do online banking, paying online and anything related to online shopping b) This time, I am feeling guilty to ask parents for money just to buy some stuffs I want, not what I need c) I'm always in a dilemma and in debate with myself

But today, I've put the problems aside and just spend wholeheartedly!

I FINALLY DID AN ONLINE SHOPPING, like I finally bought something from the internet; online!

I finally have the guts to do so after a very long time! I'm so proud of myself *patting again* and the excitement I feel is infinite!! I can't wait to receive the items in another few days!!! I'm so proud that I'm using my own money instead of my parents'! But on the other side, of course, I am not proud of myself, spending on things that I'm dying to own, not something that I'll die from not owning. There's difference there, everyone, careful. I basically just fell into my own trap and spent like I own all money in the world so yeah that's not good.

But what's been done is done. I'm still excited as this is my first time doing something as independent but 'foolish' I must say? Hahahaha. Nah, no regrets on where the money had gone. No regrets.

This is life; you grow, you experience, you feel, you appreciate.

Well at least this is what I truly wanted; 

to feel alive,

 to enjoy life to the fullest, 

to learn, 

to experience.

Through Experience

All praises to Allah for everything I have had, up till now.

I got a little swayed after my SPM results was announced. I was taken aback. I was lost. I was feeling hopeless. I felt; as if there won't be any bright future for me. I was sad beyond words and tears. I was broken. I was embarrassed at my own results. I didn't even want to tell anyone about my results. I felt like locking myself away, away from the world. I lost all my confidence. I lost my strength and faith. I didn't know what to do. My mind was in a terrible mess. I was vulnerable and fragile. My tears, they fell almost all the time.

Well you know what? I think I am still sad. I am still feeling hopeless. I am still vulnerable. I am. I am.

Oh don't get me wrong. I'm not here to ask for your sympathy. I'm not here to ask you to comfort me and whatsoever. Nope.

Because I think it's simply unfair for me to keep crying and losing all my strength and everything. Because as much as you people are thrilled for your own results, I believe there are some of you who felt the same thing as I did. So it's unfair for me to get sad and having hard times about it when there are some other people who face the same difficulties as me, but they chose to look forward and stay positive, & most importantly; mereka redha.

I had put my trust and faith on Allah, but then this whole results thingy just dragged my mental & emotion down way too much. I just couldn't handle it. I couldn't handle the fact that I'm not capable of giving my parents straight As in my SPM. I couldn't handle the fact that my friends got better results than me. I couldn't handle the fact that all my uncles and aunties will talk sooo much about me, about how a Science school student did not perform well in her SPM, about how terrible my results are and blabla.

I thought I couldn't handle it. I thought I'm not strong enough. I thought this whole thing is simply unfair. I thought this was beyond my strength and capability. I lost faith & hope on Allah. I completely lost them all.

Oh look, how ungrateful I am to God.

Oh look, how disrespectful I am to God.

Oh look, how greedy I am; I wanted more than what I've been given.

Oh look, how terrible I am.

This is basically just a humble reminder from me. I felt guilty for not trusting His plans, for not trusting His qada' & qadr, for not looking at the bright side.

Allah dah janji; takkan berikan ujian di luar kemampuan hambaNya. Allah  tahu hikmah di sebalik segala kejadian. Allah akan  berikan apa yang terbaik untuk hambaNya. Allah itu Maha Adil, Maha Mengetahui. Maka, sabarlah, redhalah atas segala kejadian & bersangka baiklah dengan Allah.

1) Train your tongue & heart;

Whenever difficulties happen, whenever you go through hardships,whenever you are being tested, then say, "Inna lillahi wa inna ilaihi rajiuun." (from Allah we come, and to Him shall we return)

Let's say you have family problems or emotional problems or problems with your studies or friends or even health problems; have patience & say "inna lillahi..." Because our problems are not permanent. By the time we realise, oh those problems have been solved! So worry not, have patience & put your trust in Allah.

2) Every success is a combination of your effort & Allah's help;

You put effort, Allah gives you His barakah & there you go, straight As in your hand! But for example; you did not get straight As or failed in your examinations, then two things could go wrong. a) Maybe you didn't put enough effort, and when you didn't put enough effort, Allah does not give His barakah. b) Maybe you did put enough effort, but Allah decided not to give His barakah, maybe that's better for you.

-- Before SPM results was announced, I prayed to Him almost everyday,, "jika dengan mendapat straight A dalam SPM 2015 itu bawa keburukan utk aku, utk masa depanku, utk agamaku, utk keluargaku, maka jauhkanlah ianya dariku. Tapi jika dengan mendapat straight A dalam SPM 2015 itu bawa kebaikan untukku, utk masa depanku, utk keluargaku, maka permudahkanlah...".

And.... I did not get straight As. So He answered my prayers. I believe it means that getting straight As does bawa keburukan kepada aku, sebab tu Allah tak bagi straight A. Keburukan kat sini boleh jadi; aku riak, aku takabbur, aku sombong, aku pandang rendah kat orang lain, mungkin family aku pun akan riak kalau aku dapat straight A and etc. Boleh jadi kan?

Dan boleh jadi puncanya datang dari aku sendiri. Aku yang tak usaha lebih, aku yang tak usaha sungguh-sungguh, mungkin doa & amalan aku pun tak cukup banyak. So banyak je sebab kenapa aku tak dapat straight As.

So that's why, I suggest you to look only on the bright side, teach yourself to be grateful, teach yourself to be patient, teach yourself to be 'redha' in any situations sekalipun.

Apa yang Allah beri kat kita dalam hidup ni could mean only three things;

1) Itulah rezeki
2) Itulah yang terbaik
3) Itulah ujian

Sangka baik dengan Allah, dapatlah yang baik. Sangka buruk dengan Allah, dapatlah yang buruk. It's a simple rule to live on, don't you think? :)

Change & Improvements

بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم

I have now come up to the stage of my life where I tend to realize a lot of new things. I'm looking things from different perspectives (hopefully, so).

What have I realized? Quite a lot I must say....

- I am in competition with no one.

- My greatest competition is with myself, not anyone else, but only myself.

- My worst enemy is myself.

- Never compare myself to anyone, except the previous me.

- I'm trying to be better than  the person I was yesterday.

So, up till now, I've been compared to, basically everyone. How everyone is doing well, how everyone is successful, how smart is everyone, how well-mannered is everyone and etc. Every single thing I do, there's always always always gonna be a comparison made. The way I talk, the way I walk, the way I act, how I perform on school academics and the list keeps going on. People compare me to everyone, by every single thing I do.

They might not say this straight on my face but to put it in simpler ways, their comparison basically means like, "oh you're not good enough", "oh there's someone who's absolutely better than you", "oh you got to try harder to meet everyone's expectations" and etc. Well, this is something I could neither avoid nor stop. That's just how the society works. You will never get to please everyone. You will never be good enough for them.

I used to put a lot of thoughts on this whole comparison thing. But now, I just could not care less. Like, screw you for not being able to accept me the way I am. Screw you for not being satisfied with who I am. Screw you for keep comparing me with everyone around me. Just screw you. Find something better to do, at the very least!

I believe people will keep comparing, keep judging, keep talking and they're gonna keep doing what they're doing. I live not to impress people, not to be liked by people & most importantly, not to hate myself. I believe I'm lacking a lot of things but this should not be a reason why you guys should keep comparing and judging. 

I've decided to look things on the bright and positive side ONLY. 

- Oh, people talk about me because I'm like this, because I'm like that. 

Sometimes it might be because I am indeed, lacking of manner, or probably intelligence or probably anything. So that's why they judge. So that's why they compare. Sebab tu penting sangat-sangat untuk sentiasa reflect upon ourselves. Kalau kita tak buat salah, orang takkan mengata, takkan mengumpat. So berbalik pada diri kita sendiri. Tengok & cari mana salah kita, mana kurang kita. Be a better person, each & every day.

Jangan pernah salahkan orang lain. Untuk mengata, untuk membanding-bandingkan kita dengan orang lain, jangan. Kalau kita asyik cari salah orang lain, sampai bila kita nak jumpa salah sendiri? So the key here, is to always improve yourself. Widen the scope a lil bit; kita improve diri sendiri dari semua segi. Dari segi percakapan kita, pemakaian kita, hubungan kita dengan manusia & Allah, dari segi pelajaran kita, dari segi akhlak kita.

You know yourself too well. You know your strong & weak points. You know what you're good at. You know what you suck at. So, improve yourself & keep being better! Kalau harini rasa macam kurang ajar dengan orang sekeliling, kalau harini rasa macam banyak sangat lagha, then make sure tomorrow you are not the same person as you were yesterday. Itu je, Very realistic & possible.

Sebab kalau tengok diri kita few years back then, dan kita terus nak berubah secara drastik, I won't say it's unrealistic, I won't say it's impossible, tapi susah. Berubah secara drastik tu susah. So instead, take constant baby steps. Istiqamah. Ubah diri kita tiap-tiap hari, secara konsisten. Walau sikit, tapi percayalah those things will make a huge difference.

So, what are you waiting for? Let's make a change; slowly, but consistently.

p/s: Rasa nak berubah itu takkan hadir dalam hati kalau bukan dengan rahmat Allah semata-mata. Usaha kita untuk berubah itu takkan berjaya melainkan dengan rahmat Allah semata-mata. Maka, usahalah untuk berubah. Doalah agar dipermudahkan dan agar sentiasa mendapat rahmat Allah. "Kun faya kun", kalau Allah katakan jadi, maka jadilah ia. Kalau Allah kata ya kita akan berubah, maka ya kita akan. Kita sebagai hamba hanya mampu berusaha & berdoa. The rest, it's up to The Almighty :)

Things Going On

So, I've been going through some hectic days. But more like packed & scheduled days kot? Anyways, I'd like to share some of my new experience, how things are going on for me, just to keep you updated (in case you're wondering how I've been doing :p) Things are fine and working well. But I believe busier days are about to come in 2016 haha!

1. Al-Hijama:

Soooo here's something that I'm very eager to share about!! Hehe. Basically, I've this problem where I frequently have headache. Headaches are caused by a lot of factors and as for my case, I honestly don't have a good reason for me to constantly getting headaches, especially throughout 2015. So I googled the symptoms I was having and it turned out there's at least 50% of possibility that I'm having migraine. I never went to the doctor for further confirmation, though. But the symptom was always the same, which is having headache only on one side. Kadang-kadang belah kiri je, kadang-kadang belah kanan je, plus around the eye too! Kat kening, bawah mata & basically that areas akan rasa sakit. So I had to bear this pain until yesterday. Tapi takdelah sampai pening tiap-tiap hari, 24/7 ke nope! Dia datang sesuka hati, dia blah pun sesuka hati.

Therefore, I decided to do cupping therapy, also known as bekam, or Al-Hijama as in Arabic. Ada banyak je klinik & places yang buat bekam but for my family, kitaorang dah biasa bekam kat Akubekam. Akubekam ni ada banyak cawangan & kitaorang pergi kat JB, sebab the nearest.

This is how the interior of the clinic would look like;

Basically, the doctor in charge tu awal-awal akan tanya what's your problem & all. Once you've stated your problems, pening ke apa, the doctor will identify & show you the points on your body which should be cupped. As for me, I had 14 points yang perlu dibekam. Banyak tak?! Some examples of my points are of course the migraine/headache point, the breathing point, gastric point & so much more that I can't possibly list out each of them :D Each & everyone will has different points yang perlu dibekam, ikutlah sakit apa, nanti adalah specific pointnya..

Points on your body! Hehe

Once cleared, the whole cupping process will proceed. Hati dah berdebar-debar dah takyah cite ah. Punyalah takut sampai kaki tangan semua sejuk!! Dah pasrah, redha habis time tu, lantaklah rasa sakit macam mana pun, dalam kepala fikir nak sihat je haha! Serious, memang sakit. Tapi in shaa Allah, the pain is bearable. Kena tahan sikit lah. Satu point, sedut darah dua tiga kali jugak lah, bayangkan, I had fourteen points kot!!! Hahahaha tahan,demi nak sihat, nak hilangkan pening yang berlarutan tu. Adalah jugak kekadang doktor tu tunjuk darah yang dah disedut tu kat aku, mostly darah berwarna merah gelap sebab darah kotor kan? Masa bekam, not only dia sedut darah, tapi dia jugak sedut toksik & angin dalam badan. As a result, kuranglah sikit angin & in shaa Allah blood flow dalam badan pun akan lebih lancar.

The cupping materials. Source: google!

Lepas dah bekam, I was given a honey drink & then the doctor gave me these medicines. Yang dalam botol tu is to be rolled kat tempat-tempat yang dibekam. As for the pills, kena makan sehari sebiji, sebelum tidur. Ada yang mungkin tak kuat, badan lemah ke apa, ada possibility boleh demam or all sorts, that's why kena telan that huge pills! So based on the cupping therapy which had been conducted on me, doktor tu kata besides having headache, I'm also in a very stressful condition, she said aku banyak pendam masalah & I kept everything inside too much. I also had troubles in breathing sebab dekat my breathing point ada banyak darah kotor & angin. I'm still not sure why though, because I believe I don't have asthma or something...

Anyways & anyhow, that was my cupping experience! ;)

2. Computer Test:

Today I sat for ujian berkomputer!!! Finally oh gosh finally~ I know some of my friends dah almost nak dapat lesen P dah hahahaha eh chill lah, we own the time kan watlek lah tak lari lah lesen kereta tu kihkih. Alhamdulillah, passed with flying colours! (eceh) I got 49 out of 50 so kira flying colours lah tu kan haha. But the most interesting part was that I was able to meet my old school-mates!!! Mula-mula I was kinda worried sebab forever alone takde kawan haha pastu lek ah jumpa je kawan-kawan. I met Wafa Aina & Sarena (my TIGS girls), lama dah tak jumpa diaorang :(  And and and!! I also met Aina Batrisyia, my classmate since I was 13 kot haha! Bila masuk samura pun classmate, siap jadi deskmate lagi haa punyalah panjang jodoh kitaorang ni huhu. It was good catching up with the old friends & talked about some stuff, it was reaaal good!

Adios amigos! x

Of Appreciation & Gratitude

بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم

Page 1 of 365;

So today, I believe we all have stepped into a new year, 2016. My concept is now changing ya know... I used to make new year resolutions for myself. What I need to change, what I need to do, what type of person should I become & all sorts. But this year, I'm making a little difference. I had learnt & had come to realize that resolutions aren't supposed to be made on only new years. If you want to change yourself towards a better person, making improvements, making transformations and all, you won't need a new year to do so, right? It's time, so you got to do it. Whether it's a new year or not, you just got to make a change.

So what I'm trying to convey here is that don't procrastinate into becoming better. If you wanna change yourself, do it right now. Not tomorrow, not next week, not next month, not next year. Making changes and improvements is a good thing, so why delay? Good things should not be delayed, okay!?

--I'm that kind of person who have difficulties in moving on. 

Although 2015 was a hectic and tough year for me, although 2015 was full of tears and hardships and all sorts of difficulties; there were still some parts that shined my days. 2015 was not an easy year where I had to go through every single day with patience and I had to endure it very well because things weren't easy for me.

I was still adjusting myself, living in a boarding school. I had to catch up with my studies. I decided to make good memories since it was the last year of high school. I had to fulfill the hopes of my loved ones. I had to struggle so much. I had to endure so much. So much that I believe I'm already missing these kind of scenarios in life. I missed them all, so much that most probably, I'm not ready for a new year :(

Honestly, truly & humbly, I had so much to be thankful for throughout my 2015. Just because it was a  tough year doesn't mean that good things won't come right? As a saying goes "every cloud has it's silver lining", I believe in every hardships there will be ease & happiness. That's what's life is about, after all. So full of ups and downs.

But then again, the reason why I'm writing this post is simply because it's an appreciation post for those people who made my 2015!!! Hihihi ^__^

I got the chance to meet, to know quite a lot of wonderful people. Many things had occurred that made me realize & appreciate people around me and all the love and kindness they have showered me with.

There were all sorts of people who were there when I randomly cried cause I was suffocating in all those hardship I was facing. Those bunch of people who never stopped advising me, giving me endless motivation, endless comfort and endless kindness. Specifically those people are my friends, my parents & my teachers.

I remembered that I cried a lot, to anyone, whenever I felt like to. I remembered that I told all sorts of stories to anyone, whenever I felt like to. I remembered that I laughed way too much, with anyone, whenever I felt like to. I remembered that I was always sick that my friends had to take care of me. I remembered that we girls loved to share food, drinks & god-knows-what-else we shared hahaha. I remembered how my friends poured out & shared their knowledge with me. I remembered how they used to teach me, making sure I understand what I was learning.

I remembered how my parents would make time to visit me. I remembered how my parents would comfort me whenever I said that I couldn't do this anymore. I remembered how my parents would always tell me that I'm always in their prayers. I remembered how they would spend  an amount of expenses at the boarding school. I remembered how they would cook for me, when I was in crave for various food.

I remembered how the teachers would give us endless advices. I remembered how the teachers would randomly tell us stories. I remembered how the teachers taught us so well so that we would understand better in our studies. I remembered how the teachers wouldn't just recklessly be mad at us unless we really did something terrible. I remembered how the teachers were so easy to get along with.

I am too grateful for all the love I have received throughout 2015. I am so thankful that they appeared, making things a hundred times better. I don't know how to express this in words cause I'm lacking of vocabularies (haha, pardon me), but I dont know, I'm just grateful to meet all of you. I'm overwhelmed with the kindness & thoughtfulness.

Here's something cheesy but sincere;
I may not be able to repay all your kindness, I may not be able to be a good friend or a good listener, I may not be as kind as you people, I may not be able to again, express my gratitude & appreciation in the most righteous manner.

But I strongly believe that Allah will repay all your deeds & kindness fairly. I believe you will be showered with warm love from everyone. I believe He will grant you His blessings and happiness.

I wish you the very best in life & hereafter. I wish you success & healthy years ahead. I wish you happiness & love from your loved ones. I wish you a blessed life. Moga sentiasa dalam jagaan Yang Esa.

...yes you, you who painted my 2015 with colorful memories :')

(just because some of you might not be in the picture, doesn't mean you're not in my heart! ^^)

Driving Class

بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم

I arrived home from the daurah on the 19th. So hari ni, dengan penat yang tak hilang lagi, I attended a driving class (baru nak amik kelas, orang lain dah dapat lesen L kot haha!)

But never mind, I take it slow, lek lek sudah, in shaa Allah dapat gak lesen tu nanti huhu :p At first, I did not mind to learn automatic or manual car, pastu fikir balik hmm dapat firasat yang aku patut amik yang auto jelah, senang sikit hidup aku takyah nak gelabah tukar-tukar gear muahaha! =D

Next, I am planning to sit for ujian berkomputer tu at the end of December, tak pun awal Januari 2016. Huaaa lama lagi :( Bila boleh dapat lesen dan jadi pemandu yang berhemah ni bila bila bila?!

The driving class started at 10 in the morning. Ada two sessions with two different facilitators. The first faci was En Fareez. I swear to God he was soooo hilarious! We laughed all along the class tau, therefore it wasn't boring at all! Tapi bila masuk second session tu, faci tu was not as hilarious as En Fareez, and as we all know, aku kan sleepyhead so madah mengantuk je :(

Fuuuh, I got this thick book untuk dikhatamkan sebelum amik ujian berkomputer. Mampukah?

And then a part of my positive thinking whispered, "Takpe apedehal kita belajar semua ni ilmu kot, bukan semata-mata nak lulus exam. Be strong & yakin boleh!"

Eceh sounds confident & convincing je kan? Hahaha we'll wait and see lah how it'll turn out later. In shaa Allah kita belajar kerana Allah, Allah bagi faham, Allah bagi mudah. Yakin.

:)

10 Days

Alhamdulillah syukur;

I had been going through 10 days of living in a complete different way. By different I mean, totally different! A good one, though :)

I had been learning & been exposed to deeper knowledge on Fiqh and Tawheed. Each and every day I had been experiencing new things, new knowledge. I had the chance to get know many beautiful and lovely sisters there. MashaAllah they were all very friendly and it was a pleasant process of knowing them. They were all from different ages and backgrounds but we all gathered at one place with one same reason; untuk mengejar redha Ilahi.

Though living there wasn't exactly as comfortable as living at our own home, but never mind, we were all very comfortable with each other, macam dah lama kenal. Or in other words, kita belajar hidup secara zuhud, secara sederhana. Tak kira apa pangkat & darjat, kat sini, kita sama-sama hamba Allah, kita sama-sama nak tuntut ilmu Allah, kita sama-sama nak dekat dengan Islam, dengan Allah, dengan Rasulullah, kita sama-sama nak dapat syafaat Rasulullah di akhirat nanti, in shaa Allah.

A muslimah session & discussion with Ustaz upon Fiqh. 

There were two Ustaz who taught us throughout the daurah. MashaAllah, sungguh, ianya suatu kesempatan yang sangat bermakna untuk bertemu dengan dua orang yang 'alim tentang ilmu Feqah dan Tawheed. Seronok belajar dengan diaorang. Sangat berilmu, sangat kelakar & very humble. And I had always love their advices. Itulah yang aku rasa paling berharga; ilmu & nasihat mereka. Tak pernah jemu beri nasihat dan teguran untuk kita sama-sama jadi lebih baik, lebih sedar diri yang kita ni bukan sesiapa tanpa Allah.

Kitab-kitab dan buku nota yang aku bawa; untuk dhobit segala ilmu & nasihat Ustaz.

Believe me when I say that my 10 days routine kat sana hanyalah makan, tidur, solat, belajar, makan, tidur, solat, belajar. Kekadang tu memanglah rasa penat belajar tapi kekadang tu rasa lagi penaaat tidur kot? Hahaha. Pastu during kuliah tu mengantuk lagi haaaaa ada je gangguan bila nak belajar ni ek? Standard ah tu. Belajar kat sekolah pun ngantuk kan? Tapi aku gagahkan hati, sadokan kelopak mata untuk dengar semua ilmu yang Ustaz nak sampaikan sebab tak pandai, tak gifted, maka haruslah kuat walaupun kekadang kuliah sampai pukul 12 atau 1 pagi. In shaa Allah, semua tu ilmu tu bermanfaat untuk diri sendiri, dunya & akhirat :)

Another exciting part was the fact that Sheikh Nuruddin came here to give a little talk on Hadith and Fiqh. Dia sangat kelakar okay, though I can't deny that I may had been a little sleepy hahaha. I mean, I'm like, sleepy all the time kot? Huhu :p

Back On Track

                                                              بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم

I've been always always always love writing. I write basically everything & anything!

Since I was in a boarding school two years ago, my strong passionate determination on writing had been stopped for a while & was deteriorating since all I gotta write were English & Malay essays for the exams & write my homework.

But now that I've completed high school, I'm back on track & I believe I will have so much more time on writing compared to the past two years. And, I still love writing ya know, so here I am, writing.

& so, I will keep writing...